I am a little over a week shy of the anniversary of my emergency back surgery. I know I don’t write as much anymore, and I know I should.
But there is something I needed to get out that I’ve held back on; that has been sort of a secret in a way. Yet here I don’t have any secrets; I don’t have to fear opinions or judgment. This is the one place for me to be raw and real; to describe my experience and maybe it reaches someone’s heart. Maybe not. But this is the place I need to talk about my new journey and a different walk toward thankfulness.
Before I get into that, let me recap: my body has gotten stronger and more stable the last six months. My gait and walk has improved dramatically, I do yoga a few times a week which helps me build so much inner and outer strength, and I feel my days are more good, than bad. I still have physical pain that floods into emotional; I still with nerve damage and spasms; and the back of my legs and my feet still feel like they are asleep.
However, I am eternally thankful. The reality is, I could have never walked again. I could have been in a wheelchair, permanently paralyzed. But today? I can chase after Viviana and try to give her the mother she deserves. I can do more around the house, alleviating Jim of taking on so much. I can go out with girlfriends and enjoy myself.
I can fully thank God and love the Lord for what has happened.
I can let go of my anger, anxiety and depression. I can trust in Him that things really will be okay.
I’ve never understood the meaning of prayer, and I would always pray selfishly. Recently, though, I am on a new journey to learn Christ and understand how prayer, praise, and His everlasting love can truly create miracles.
I used to scoff at these ideals, not believing that a prayer or God could do such a thing. What a doubter I was. Yet now I am learning the power of prayer, and the need to have faith and CLING to God, instead of push Him away.
Christ opened several doors for me this past year, and it took me up until very recently to see that. Until then, I looked at all the doors He shut. But now I see the opportunities for His love, to follow the course He mapped out and to just open my heart and ears to Him.
I will be the first to say I’ve never talked this way about faith, religion or really any of this before. I never got it when people would say how believing in something intangible could heal you. Yet when I finally let the cavernous hole in my heart – that was filled with so much darkness prior – overflow with the most perfect love, I finally got it.
And in light of the holiday tomorrow, I do reminisce the fact that last year I was still “normal.” But was I really? Sure, I could walk, run, etc. and didn’t know about unforeseen pain and recovery my body would go through a week later. Yet I wrestled with several inner demons that griped onto my hearts from years before, and it took the most trying of times for me to finally let down the walls and open my heart.
I am completely honest when I say I only have the Lord to thank.
My inner peace, forgiving myself and others, love for all of life’s blessings and thankfulness in both the highs and lows of my life is understood now, and I can finally let go. And just … Let God.
Thank you, Lord, for letting me come back to you after the shaky ground I stood on. Thank you for being my pillar of strength, and for continually whispering in my ear to keep going. Thank you for helping my body heal, and allowing me to cling to you when I’m in pain. Thank you for my husband and my daughter, even though at times I may not feel worthy of them, you blessed me with absolute perfection.
And most of all: thank you for showing me the light back to you, especially on my darkest day. There are so many things to be thankful for this year, and my praise goes to you.