Yesterday we went to the aquarium for a little family day trip. Watching Viviana light up as she looked at the fish and sea creatures warmed my heart. I was hesitant about walking, so we took the wheel chair instead.
I half-wish we didn’t and I walked, only because it was such a hassle with it, and there were more places I could have sat down than I remember. But we purchased an annual membership so now I know for next time.
Regardless of that, it was wonderful to do something as a family. Before my surgery and everything else, we didn’t get to share the time together due to work and other commitments. Getting the chance to spend some family time, even though I am not at my best, is so important, and the time with Viviana is particularly precious. Plus, it gives me hope and anticipation to go with her in the future — maybe just mother and daughter — and explore the aquarium together.
We wrapped up the day yesterday with a family walk around the block. This was a huge feat for me. My walks only consisted of going down the street a few houses, but last night I wanted to see how far I could go. No doubt: it was challenging and became slightly painful toward the end, but it was nice to be able to join Jim and Viviana again on this evening tradition. I am taking it easy this morning and listening to my body, but as the doctor says, the more I walk, the better I will be.
I know I can become frustrated and angry at times — mostly at myself more than anyone or anything else. Sometimes I think, “Why can’t I wake up normal and do things the way I used to?” These feelings will flood in when I am out doing family things, but as soon as I look at my husband and daughter, they begin to retreat. I might need to modify, but I can still enjoy these special moments.
And one day I will think, “It was shitty and hard for a while, but I made it through, with the help of my family. I wasn’t ‘normal’ and maybe never will be again, but I had — and still have — happiness in myself and my family. That’s all that matters.”