Tonight, for the first time in a month and a half, I stayed in Viviana’s room as she fell asleep.
Jim has been the one putting her to bed because I can’t lift her into her crib, or bend, and my mobility getting up and down was extremely difficult and near impossible. But I am building more strength.
Last night, I tried to soothe her from a coughing fit due to teething. She wouldn’t come to me, most likely because she was tired and cranky. Yet, as mothers, we take these things personally, and I felt like she started to “forget” that, like Daddy, I can soothe her at night, too.
I know this wasn’t what she was thinking, but I couldn’t help thinking it. I cried myself to sleep last night, sliently cursing this condition and how it brought on so many limitations, particularly in motherhood. I wanted to be the one to put her to bed, to hold her, to take any pain away. But because my body wouldn’t let me, I felt like Viviana wasn’t receiving the Mom she needs and deserves.
Tonight, though, as I got down on the floor and laid next to her crib, rubbing her back, I know I’m being the best Mom I can be right now. Viviana is forcing me to be strong, to pull myself together, to be patient and to realize that as long as I keep on my path to recovery for her, that is all she could ever ask.
It’s not easy, as a mother, watching those who care for her do the things I used to and yearn to do. However, tonight was a huge accomplishment, and if I cry tonight, it will only be tears of joy.
Sweet dreams, my Princess. Mama loves you so much.